When you are younger or still living with family, things like sex and practice are much more difficult simply because you don’t have the same level of privacy as living alone. Here is a question I got recently about how to prepare for sex, and what to do to make sure you are truly ready, both mentally and physically.
I’m almost 16 years old, being almost legal age for sex. Till this date I have been using that as my shield and now, to consider I actually will no longer have this shield, scares me.
I have only ever fingered myself a few times and using a body lotion as a lube. Being from a culturally reserved background I’m concerned on getting my hands on a dildo, enema, lube or anything which will be of help for sex. I’m scared of the pain that will come with being a bottom but I still want to please my bf or future partners.
I’m really scared now that me and my bf have hit on a sexual tone, what will happen soon. I really don’t know how to clean up for sex or any fingering tips or anything. I’m absolutely horrified by the pain my friends say come from anal when fingering with three fingers feel nice. I would really appreciate any advice to avoid pain, discomfort, bleeding and help with safe practice. Also, where do I get an enema or dildo? I know I’m only 15, but girls of my age are using such toys and aren’t treated with any disrespect.
How painful is anal though? I have read many of your articles but I’m still very nervous over the concept of bottoming. So if I’m relaxed it wouldn’t hurt much?
Everyone has given me soo many different responses and they all are a pole apart from each other.
Thank you so much. It really means a lot.”
First off, thanks for the message, and thank you for reading the site.
To start, it’s ok to be nervous.
It’s normal and almost everyone I talk to feels the same way the first time, even me.
My first piece of advice would be to listen to your feelings and have sex when and only when YOU are comfortable.
Honestly, the fact that you can already get three fingers means that you are off to a great start. Just keep practicing alone and it will do you the most good to prepare for the real thing.
As for your boyfriend, the most important thing is that you need to be ready yourself, and should never feel rushed or pressured into having sex.
It doesn’t matter if you are 16 or 26, not being ready is reason enough to “shield” yourself.
It may be difficult, but all it takes is a “No, I’m just not ready”.
If he doesn’t like what you say or respect your feeling then he’s likely not as special as you think and not worth it. Plus, it is not worth throwing away your first time on someone who doesn’t absolutely deserve it, or on an experience that you are not completely happy about.
This is especially true because if you are nervous or uncomfortable, it will hurt. You will be tense and uptight. Be sure that you are comfortable with, and makes you feel at ease.
For when you are ready, I’d say getting ahold of any kind of lube meant for sex (it doesn’t have to be anal lube) is better than nothing. The first time I ever bottomed I used hand lotion, which was not the smartest choice because it is not meant for sex and not condom safe.
I know it might be embarrassing to go into a drugstore/pharmacy to get a bottle but the truth is that most people your age and older do the same, and you likely won’t stand out. The same goes for condoms (don’t forget those).
To make your lube more discrete, you can buy a bottle of hair gel, or hand sanitizer to use as a “disguise bottle” and swap the contents (rinse out the bottles before though!). That way when if someone sees it lying around your room it looks less assuming.
If you are willing you can also buy sex toys in person, or ask someone, although this takes a bit more courage and doesn’t give you the privacy cover that you would by ordering online. Yes, toys are great practice, but only get one if you are comfortable with the confrontation of asking or going into the store in person.
I am not too sure about Australia, but ordering online will always come in a discrete brown shipping box.
It is a bit more difficult to keep something like a dildo hidden, especially because you are still living with your parents – but again, it comes down to what YOU are willing to purchase and own.
Stay within your comfort zone.
You can also try a semi-green banana or cucumber with a condom, though getting rid of it after might be an issue. Again, not ideal, but an option.
As for hygiene, if you know you are having sex that day, try to eat a minimum 24 hours before and just go to the bathroom as normal. Then, shower off with a finger and soap after. This does the trick pretty well.
For when you do have sex the first time, the pain really varies. I have had many times when it was 100% pain-free (this is what you are aiming for) and sometimes where I couldn’t stand it for more than a minute.
Being relaxed, using plenty of lube, and going SLOWLY to start will really make all the difference. The best thing you can do is prepare, and if you aren’t comfortable, it is ok to stop and try again another time!
I can’t guarantee that it won’t hurt your first time, but if you pay attention to those things it will help the most.
I hope this cleared some things up for you.
Best of luck,