Here we are back with another MaleQ&A. This week we are talking about how to be a good top, anal sex, and what you can do to make your partners experience as a bottom enjoyable and pain-free!
How to Be a Good Top?
Hi Mr. Q,
I just found your blog and really appreciate it. I came out late in life, and although I’ve had a couple of boyfriends by now, we didn’t do anything more than help each other get off a few times. I’m newly single now and want to start having a sex life.
Although I’ve never fully “done it,” I consider myself versatile. Both aspects of anal intercourse appeal to me–some guys make me want to give it to them, and some make me want to bend over and take it from them. Even with my ex, we would spoon each other back and forth, switching positions depending on our moods or emotional needs.
I read through your articles about bottoming for the first time, but I wonder about the how-to’s of topping. It feels like there’s this idea out there that all tops need to do is flip a guy over and go at it, and the bottoms have to do all the prep work. It’s like old heteronormative binary gender roles are seeping into a queer practice–the “male” just gets horny and sticks it in, and the “female” has to be the one speaking up to make sure it feels right, and cleaning up before and after.
If I’m going to top a guy, I want to know how to do it right–for maximum safety, pleasure, and respect for us both. It just seems like the grown-up thing to do. Could you write an article about that? [How to be a good top] Tops should be as thoughtful about what they do as bottoms.
First off, thank you so much for the message!
As for your question, you are totally right. Surprisingly, you are not the first person to contact me personally about this question. I have been meaning to put up an article about how to be a good top ( I am in the process of writing it now so stick around for a more in-depth guide). In the mean-time I can give a quick low down on the dos and don’ts for how to be a good top when having anal sex.
Speaking from personal experience, knowing how to be top really comes down to knowing what it is like to be a bottom. I am verse myself, so I have plenty of experience with both roles, and I can tell you that most of the advice I am going to give you comes from some experiences (good and bad) from being on the bottom.
One of the things I emphasize time and time again is the importance of communication. This is both verbal and physical. If you are on top, you need to be in touch with how your partner is feeling, even before you have sex!
Is he nervous? Excited? Worried? Are things going too fast?
If you are unsure, just ask!
I know it may feel awkward or unnatural to “talk”, but sex, especially for the first time, is not like porn.
Advice number 2: Use plenty of lube (Like LOTS) , and throw in some foreplay to help him relax. This can be rimming, fingering, or just grazing his ass with your dick. Get him in the mood, and loosen things up first.
Next, when you are really ready to go in, go slowly. If it really is his first time, then you need to go SLOWLY.
Not inch by inch, but MILLIMETER BY MILLIMETER.
Start with the tip, wait, pull pack a bit. Go in a bit again to the same spot, wait, and pull back slowly.
You should do this all while asking him how he feels, and each time you push in (GENTLY) little by little, let him relax, make sure he is OK, and make sure things don’t hurt.
This may go on for 5 or 10 minutes but I can’t emphasize enough, this is a super strange and unfamiliar experience, especially for his first time, so go slow and steady. Once you both work in the head and maybe about half way, its ok to pause and let his body relax.
Make sure you are using plenty of lube all the while (more is better). At this point if he is comfortable he shouldn’t be as tense and you can start to have “sex”, going in and out, again working your way in further little by little.
From here, don’t start going full speed unless he says so, and you can physically see that he is OK.
Make sure to stay in touch with him, and remember, if he is uncomfortable, it is ok to stop and try again a different day.
At this point if he looks comfortable and he says he is OK then you should be all set.
If you follow these steps, go slowly, communicate, and work together, things should work out just fine.
All the best,
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