Don’t Worry About Me Mom: My Coming Out Story

My Coming Out Story to my mom

My mom once told me that when she was pregnant with me, she secretly wanted me to be a girl since she already had two sons. Then I came along, a boy, and she was a bit disappointed. 

I found out my sexuality when I was in elementary school. I have known for practically my entire life and have always felt insecure because of it. Compared to other boys in the class, I was the girly one – always a bit too sentimental. The other boys would make fun of me, so I tended to hang out with the girls, but when those girls asked me with straight faces:

“Why do you always stay with us?” I couldn’t spill out what I was really thinking:

“Because I am terrified of boys.”

“Because I feel safer with girls, and boys make me feel like a weirdo.”

“Because I feel like I belong here.”

“Because… I am gay.”

For a long time, the three-letter word felt like a curse to me, something I was not allowed to say and even to think about. The fear of having my true self found out made me irritable and suspicious of everyone around me.  

This change in me of course one day caught my mom’s attention.

I always had this feeling that my mom knew because I did a lot of things that a daughter might do.  I am the one who would go shopping with her, help her pick out the outfits, and put on her makeup.

She had asked me once before if I was gay, but back then I was scared of what might happen if I told her. So I denied it, and she gave me a look that I could never forget.  I knew she didn’t believe me.

My mom is a nurse, and deals with sick people, even people with AIDs everyday.  

Sometimes she would tell the story of how they got sick and how miserable they are now. When she did this, she would look at me as if she was warning me with her gaze. And I would look away like I wasn’t paying attention.

But what she said made me even more scared. As if she was telling me, you will die if you are gay.

I spent my childhood in the closet and the fiction world I built to escape, so I wouldn’t have to deal with the trouble that I should have faced. After my parents divorced, she became busier with her job, left with almost no time to concern herself, let alone my problems.

For a long time, I thought I was the only one on Earth, the only boy who likes boys, and I thought I would spend the rest of my life being alone.  As I grew up though I learned much more about being gay and the community.  I learned that there are people out there who are just like me, that moment I felt like I finally fit in somewhere, and I was no longer the only one.

As I graduated from elementary school and became an actual teenager, this problem that had haunted me for my entire childhood seemed a little less intimidating, a few close friends had already heard the truth from me, and their reactions were not how I had pictured them to be.

In fact, they were all cool with it, like they had already seen a lot of people come out to them.  My friends gave me the courage to finally take a good look at myself – more specifically, the part of me that I was most afraid to face.

I came out to my mom entirely by accident, I forgot to erase the history of some gay websites that I was looking at, and she saw them. When she asked me if I was gay,  I was on the back seat of her tiny motorcycle.   I felt like it was time to admit it. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?  So I simply replied:


It was a short ride to the station, but she told me a lot of things, mostly warnings and her concerns, but surprisingly, her reaction was rather calm.  She just wanted me to promise that I would never put myself in danger, like doing drugs, going to parties, or getting STDs.

I kept rolling my eyes in the back seat, pretending to be impatient, because I didn’t want her to notice how nervous I was.

The whole coming out process was too easy to believe.  It made me feel so confident and I stopped caring about other people’s opinions about my sexuality, because if my own mother accepted me for who I was, the woman who brought me to life, then I didn’t need to feel sorry if people thought otherwise.  

After that coming out was a lot easier, and when I got into high school, I proudly came out to everyone I knew.

Things weren’t perfect though.   My brother told me my mom wasn’t that calm as she appeared to be, that after I came out to her, she went to him, trembling with tears rolling down her face, and told him that she was really worried about me.  She said that she blamed herself for making me gay – that she thought she did this to me. She thought her wish for a daughter had come true and that because of her I would somehow wind up on the wrong path.

Sometimes I can still feel that she isn’t really comfortable with everything yet.  Even now I will try to mention bits of my dating life but feel that she is uneasy.   I now try to communicate my life with her in small pieces, so that if one day she knows everything, she won’t need to take it all in at once.  

Even still, my mom still trusts me, and that’s what I am thankful for. I always thought that if I told her; she would change the way she looks at me. But she is still the same, and she believes that I will do right by her.
Even today, I still can’t believe the fact that I have come out to my mother.   Everything seems so different, yet things are surprisingly the same. Although the path that I am walking may not be the one that she prefers, she understands that I need to make my own decisions and live my life my own way.  When I need to hide away or need someone to rely on, I know my mom will embrace me in open arms and love me unconditionally.

Cover Image by elPadawan under Creative Commons

Read More Male Q Guides

How to Come Out of the Closet Tell Someone You are Gay
best male sex toys
dr joel prostate massager dildo
Best Lubricants and lubes for sex
Best cock rings penis

Related Articles

時盛末生-台灣同志的臉龐- 男性攝影師 私處 l 男相

時盛末生-這個月的MaleQ人物專訪將帶大家認識當地同志圈的藝術及藝術家。 這一週,是台灣當地的男性同志攝影師,時盛末生(sueo tokimori)。他的作品著重在於模特的質地以及顏色調和搭配上創意的造型(或是沒有任何衣服)展現出令人驚豔的攝影作品。我們偶然在一間位在台灣台中的畫廊裡遇見他的作品,並且幾乎是立即地想要知道更多有關於他的作品內容。接下來將介紹到時盛末生的出身背景,以及他拍攝同志作品背後的靈感和故事。 時盛末生介紹 請你先介紹一下自己嗎? 你的興趣、你住哪個城市、還有你的工作經驗和關於你的藝術? 「我是時盛末生(sueo tokimori)這當然是藝名啊!另外一個名字是仲河原青雨,都是日文名字,日本文化中的漢字(kanji)來說象徵著末日重生的意思,興趣大概是到處流浪、攝影、思考很複雜的人生哲理。我是台北人,但是在日本工作近五年,目前定居在台中市,喜歡步調慢的生活。學生時代工作大多以餐飲業為主,退伍後第一個工作,便是去日本當勞工(Working Holidays),從事旅遊觀光業,走遍很多個日本城鄉,最後因生涯規劃回台灣從事廣告業,目前則是自己開立工作室,從事影像藝術創作維生。」 怎麼描敘你的作品主題和風格?你有任何啟發你的藝術風格的藝術家或藝術主題? 「與其說我的藝術是工作,不如說是我的生活哲學,我喜歡有人味道的東西,那是一種溫度、一種持續發酵的情感,不盲目追求流行的技法,也許不受大眾歡迎,但我還是有自己的市場的(笑),其實我並非藝術背景出身,我大學念資訊管理,研究所念日本的研究所,多少帶點日本元素。」 「我喜歡很多藝術人與作品,但我會參考,看完就忘記,然後創作的時候,也沒特別喜好,只是當下覺得喜歡,就按下快門,僅止於此,意外地沒想到蠻多人喜歡的。」 是什麼讓你對同志的攝影感到興趣? 「問題我大概回答有30次了吧!我不是同志,已婚還有兩歲的小孩,記得第一次在絕美的夕陽美景下拍攝女同志婚紗時,卻被女模特投訴,只因為一隻蚊子,從此改變了我的人生,展開了我的同志人體攝影。但令我訝異的是,同志對於身體的展露與自信高過於其他人,對懶散的我而言,叫他們脫衣服就會脫衣服,脫褲子就會脫褲子,而且還不用準備換衣服的地方。(懺悔中)」 有任何人對你的藝術工作有什麼反應嗎?你有收過好的評價或不好的評價嗎? 「父母很反對,老實說,他們寧願我在銀行上班,甚至在加油站打工也比當攝影師好。好的評價與不好的評價都很多,會開心也會沮喪,然後以整model為樂(再次懺悔),不過攝影作品來說,我的還是非主流,沒有漂亮的光質,沒有同志喜歡的肌肉肉體,不喜歡磨皮甚至被說不會使用photoshop,因為我覺得皮膚的紋路與細節是每個人擁有得特別美,我寧願全數保留,但是也因為如此,我的代價是很難找到model,不過喜歡我的人非常喜歡,甚至我脫光一個model的衣服拍攝,也不會有情色感,這是我驕傲的地方。」 你的藝術怎麼發展的?你未來想要朝向什麼樣的風格? 「我的藝術(?)不如說我的鬧劇,喜歡玩弄很多新的元素,唯一不變的是,我找models都是有故事的人,那個故事是會讓我興奮到睡不著覺的人,所以合作起來特別有感覺,也不會無聊。若是一般的model,老實說,作品是沒靈魂的,而且是會草草結束。 未來風格,我還是想留下一些略帶嘲諷,卻有點反叛又帶點思考人性的作品,還是無法賺錢的東西。」 你最滿意的作品是什麼? 「烏鴉系列。」 「老實說,我的靈魂有很大的烏鴉元素,討人厭但是還是努力維持的嬌貴的樣子。」 下次你想要拍什麼人或主題? 「關於陰莖餐桌禮儀的69種69姿勢,陰莖是個好東西,每個至少要有一隻,或一隻以上(誤),老實說男體攝影到目前台灣社會還是很難被接受,女體卻是趨之若鶩,這讓我很不爽,所以我更利至於發展與推廣,我甚至有創了一個臉書的男體攝影社團,謝絕所有女性。(小心眼)」 時盛末生作品…


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *