MaleQ gets a lot of questions about sex and coming out, but this week we want to shift the focus to a less talked about topic – the idea of true love. It sometimes seems that in the world of Grindr and gay bars, the gay culture is only focused on having sex and hooking up, and for those of us looking for a relationship, dating and the search for “true love” can be discouraging. Here is a question I got from a reader about this very topic. Does true love exist in the gay world?
“Good Morning Loren,
First of all, thank you very much for being kind. Acceding to your articles I know you are an expert for being a bottom. But, are you an expert at gay love? I believe in true love, I believe there is someone who will love me unconditionally and doesn’t care about poop, urine, but love and sex. But it is hard to find love in this chaos world, the world where most hot gay men only like hot gay men, the world that it is so hard to not to have random sex with random guys.
My question is does true love exist in the gay world? Or is it just a fancy imagination of mine since I was a little boy? Every time I had sex with a random person, I feel cheap and more lonely, but maybe after weeks or months, I will do it again. Am I fake? Sleeping around with random guys like a whore then claim I believe in true love? How should I focus on life more than physical crave? How should I enjoy a lonely life while I am waiting for that right person? How should I not get tempted when a hot man hits on me, and how should I continue to believe that one day I will be with a nice hot man and spend the rest of the life with him and not to worry about him cheating on me all the time?”
First off, thank you so much for your question. To be honest, I have had to do a lot of thinking to give you the best response to this kind of question because even for me I am not completely sure on the answer.
In a way, your E-Mail has struck me someone on a personal level because this is a question I ask myself a lot lately.
From my own experience, I will say that the answer is a bit mixed wherein some days I think that true love for us gays is waiting somewhere out there and on others leaving me to feel a bit hopeless.
I have been dating for over 10 years now and have had 2 serious relationships, with the most recent one we even talked about getting married, buying a house, and spending our lives together.
What I have found so far is that yes, love exists, but love is not perfect and is not like what you see on TV or read about in books.
What do I mean by this?
Well, the first step which is one of the most difficult can be finding a boyfriend who matches with you both emotionally and physically. Yes, it is easy to find a boyfriend, but it is hard to find a partner who will last for years.
True love is finding someone who will still love you and be there with you once the honeymoon phase of the first few months wears off.
This is a rare and difficult thing to find. The process of dating, trying again and again, and then failing can be an emotional, even depressing process.
The fact of the matter is that 99.99% of the guys out there that you meet are NOT the right one for you.
This means that dating is a lot of disappointment, and you have to shift through so many “not quite what you are looking for guys” (or complete “fuck no’s”) before you find something truly special.
The next part, when you actually DO find a guy worth investing time in, is also a giant hurdle. Making it on past the first few months is only a first real test. I call this “the three-month hump” where you really start to get to know each other and the most fun, but also the most fragile phase.
This is when you start to learn about each other, the good, and the bad. Being in a truly real, strong and legitimate relationship means being vulnerable, and showing your partner your insecurities and flaws (which everyone in the world has).
Finding someone who is interested and loves you enough to willingly stick around and love everything about you, especially the worst in you, is the strongest sign of true love.
The fact is that love takes time, effort, emotion, and patience which are all not easy things, and may sound simple on paper but when faced in real life can be extremely challenging.
So to answer the first part of your question:
Yes, there is such thing in the gay world as dating, relationships and love far beyond the hookups and sex that you are talking about, but finding someone who really matches you and loves you for everything you are (the good and the bad) is challenging and –
Love takes a lot of searching and patience.
But that’s only the answer I have come up with so far, and when talking about more long-term ideas like loving someone “until death do us part” – I am still somewhat of a skeptic.
Maybe there is such thing as “the one”, or maybe it is just a fantasy that exists in the movies, but I have not personally found that person yet so I am not one to say yes or no.
You aren’t alone out there, and as much as it seems like the gay world is just about sex and hookups, there are still many guys out there looking for love and connection much in the same ways that you described!
It is just that most guys who WANT relationships already HAVE relationships. So, for the most part, the single guys you meet are probably single because they want to be single – this kind of leaves the love minded guys in a minority in the pool of guys on Grindr and other dating apps.
What you mentioned about your childhood dreams, about the perfect guy, I wrote an article recently about this very topic, and I think this is a question that almost everyone in the world is asking gay and straight.
If you are interested I suggest you to give it a look here – I would love to hear your own thoughts and join the discussion. You don’t have to give answers, you can even ask more questions!
I hope this helps out a bit, even though I can’t give you a clear answer.
All the best,