I’m Gay (and a Little Bit More)

I’m Gay and a Little Bit More

Hello everyone.  I am Lo Jay, a new editorial intern for The MaleQ.  As a new face to the site, I want to offer my own perspective because my experience like everyone of you is a little different than most.

It wasn’t until I became a freshman in college that I developed my first romantic relationship with a guy.  This is when I truly considered myself to be gay.  

Many of you know what it is like.  A constant struggle inside your mind, and heated debates with your family.  Eventually, you come out to your friends, and have finally accepted your sexuality as a gay man.  You start to explore your true sexual identity, to make gay friends, and take part in in the culture: events, clubs, and movements, all intended for gay people….

For me it seemed that everyone around me shared the same sexual identity, but for some reason something felt different…

Why does everyone always talk about having sex together?( Are Gays even supposed to have sex with each other?)

Why are all of the erotic comics, videos, and magazines they share with you seem to be kind of pointless (Where is the bondage, whipping, and spanking?)

Then one day I realized – my sexual desire is a bit different from most gay people.   If you are a gay BDSMer or simply a gay guy who has completely no desire for vanilla sex like me, then I believe you can relate to this feeling quite strongly, and believe it or not –

You are absolutely not alone.

So for all of those people in a similar situation, unsure of your sexual identity, you might be thinking:

Am I gay? Or just a straight guy with some extra special interests?

As a man, it seems pretty easy to determine if you are “gay” or not:

Just ask your penis.

A good place to start is by simply paying attention to when you get hard (around males, females or both).  This could give you some clues about your sexual orientation.  

But things aren’t always that simple.

When you are a BDSMer like me, things become a little more tricky.  This is because sometimes it is hard to interpret what makes you feel excited when you are practicing BDSM.


Even exclusively having BDSM with other guys does not necessary mean you are Gay.

Before, I always thought of myself as a straight guy with some kinky interests of seeing males suffer.  And I have met many guys who are just like this.

I have played with two submissive males who identify as a straight, one of them is even married to a woman with two kids!

What turns you on might not be the sex of your partner, but something more than conventional gay/straight attraction.  It might be the atmosphere of your situation, the attractiveness of the one you are playing with, or purely the pain that turns you on.

I asked my partner: ”Given that you are straight, can you accepted being tortured or tied up by a female?”

“No,” he said. “ I can only feel pleasure when I am being tortured by a man because the context is completely different.”

In this case, you may enjoy the feeling of “being tortured by a male”, but not have any “sexual desire towards men“.

So back to the question, are you a Gay? I think there is no easy answer to this and love and sexuality do not always match together in a perfect shape.  But you can gain some clues by asking yourself two questions:

1.Which sex are you sexually attracted to ?

2.Which sex do you want to develop a romantic relationship with?

If you still can’t say if you are gay or not?  It’s fine!

It’s okay to not have a label for yourself – after all, sexual orientation is a spectrum, and is not binary. 

But wait…What if I am developing a relationship with a person of opposite sex then later discover I am gay, or something else? Won’t it seem rather unfair to my partner?

Think about this – the issue of ” Do I really love her?” or ” Do I really want to develop a long-term relationship with this guy?” also isn’t anymore clear-cut for a gay or straight relationship.

It doesn’t matter if you are 100% sure you are gay, straight, or anything between.

Communication is extremely important to any relationship.

So always remember to be honest with yourself, and with your partner.  If you are not sure about your sexual orientation, my advice is to let him or her know about your situation.   This will put you off to a very good start.

In any case, make sure you are genuine to your partner, and to yourself.

I am glad to have this opportunity to share my personal experience about sexual identity as a BDSMer, and I hope I can cover some relevant topics about BDSM’s including how to find your local BDSM community, communicate with your partners, and hands-on experiences in the future.

I hope to see you then~

By Sanfranman59 (Own work) [GFDL or CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

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  1. I know I’m gay and I love vanilla sex. But every now and then, I get the urge to try out other things like BDSM with my partner. In my professional life, I project the image of a leader and someone authoritative. But when it comes to sex, I find pleasure in acting as the submissive.

    1. Glad to saw your comment!

      And I believe that sometimes Social status really can be the source of fascination in some contexts of BDSM ! It’s also true to me, I feel way more pleasure when I am dominating someone with higher social status,someone older or someone more intelligent than me!